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Middle Ground-ed

I'm All Me.

Journal Info

Yuki & Mason



17th January 2006

(no subject)

I'm Everything that I hate
this is not a suicide note its a poem, about the feelings of a person, me, who wishes she was dead all the time in a sense that the pain would stop (be dead of emotion) im not asking anyone to literally kill me or that anyone believe i will kill myself it is merely self expression in a sense that i wish this pain would stop.... so do not think i am actually going to kill myself thank you....

a poem about how i feel right now

i need u to talk to me
console me
pretend u love me
i need someone


I'm so dead inside
that i wish i was dead on the outside
someone needs to end this pain
the emptiness the loss
the everything
that i keep losing
the friends who leave me
the people who pretend to love me
the family who hates me
the people who ignore me
the people who laugh at me
they all kill me
but he Did me in
hes always been there
he was the best
the one i loved
I'd forgotten but now i remember
always there for me
and now
i wake up lonely
cause he left me
like they all do
after all the sh*t Ive been through
people continue to leave
cause its all they ever do
all they know to do to me
cause I'm no ones everything
i wish my insides matched my outsides
cause everyone would be happy
cause i should die cause
i deserve it...
cause I'm nothing
like they all do
so i can die with no regrets
cause Even the dead regret leaving people behind
but not crossing over that line
i wont be fine
kill me here
kill me now
i swear i wont make a sound

7th January 2006

poem day

Yuki & Mason
Someone reminded me that i had actually started this thing to put poetry in so here's a few pieces

Let me go...

you leave me empty
you leave me cold
you leave me hollow
you leave me stone

you leave me angry
you leave me sad
you make me devistated
you make me bad

you make me cry
you make me go
you make me crazy
just let me go!

you want me now
you want me back
you want me here
you need me with you
you need me all the time
you need like the sun does shine
you feed me just one more line

so you leave me then you love me then you want me then u need me
THEN you just let me go again....


Lying in depression
fearing conversation
waiting for this nightmare
to finally come and end
trying to forget it all
but yet it stays
and i tumble in again
to once again greet
my little miss. misery
who is forever with me...

Everything's Lost

Nothing left to keep me here
all my bonds seem to just disappear
whether i do it myself
or if its done by someone else
everything then disappears
everything ends with fear
everything was all wrong
everything is sick & stupid
everything is dumb & done
everything just ends
and leaves me all

You Don't See Them...

they're worse then ever before
and i don't know why
but i like them
the worse, the better
i watch them
as they form
knowing full well
they'll scar by morning
sot then I'll just do it again
as if it matters
where one begins
and the others end
they're all the same
all a secret i keep
none of it matters
to anyone but me
so please, oh please
keep its a secret
cause if they find out
i'll never be free again

This was gunna be a line in a poem but it sounds so cool


6th January 2006

(no subject)

Yuki & Mason
Today's okay nothing to report... sad as it is besides the fact that a guy i used to mess around with and i are fighting (we never dated) and now hes being a total ass to me along with his brother!!!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Boys suck!! but its better if they do that to each other!! Opps.... did i say that ^^


4th January 2006

(no subject)

everythings so cold like you shouldn't touch

everythings so alone like you'll nevr have enough

everyones hiding like they're so tough

everything hurts but yeah i'll just shut up

everything's numb cause we're all froze up

nobody's there cause nothing's fair

nobody smiles cause deep inside were all childs....of someone

everyone laughs but those who hide

everyone lives but those who die

nobody lives like i do

no one can see through

the hurt that they do

nobody loves you

cause you're worthless

they throw you away cause


nobody's perfect cause i have this ache

i'm so close yet so far

give it another day

I'm so tired, so alone

I thought i might make it

but all along i've always known

I just have to fake it

cause i'll never make it!

Thats a poem from before christmas
Today i thought alot about people who've betrayed me and it makes me sad cause they all left me and it hurts so bad cause i miss them....
SUMMER, SAMI, & JIMMY (to name the worst few)

I'm so bitter and hurt.....

3rd January 2006

another stupid day

School picks up again tomorrow BLEH but i'll get over it I'll just go back to a school where I have no true friends and pretend to be something I'm not people always say what are you perfect and i always laugh they think i'm modest i'm just honest....
everyone thinks i have tons of out of school friends but i dont i'm all alone... WAH T_T WAH
But anywho i just pretend i'm hot and pretend i like the people who pretend to be my friends and i pretend that life is so fun and i pretend i dont cut and i pretend that i'm not hurting

i just pretend and i'm so tired when i get home of being perfect that i just sleep


people are always like how could a girl like you be unhappy enough to cut and try to kill herself well lets see
1. i was abused until i was 12 by my homophobic dad not because he knew but because hes an a$$
2. my mum ignores me
3. i don't have friends
4. i'm hiding everything inside
5. people make me be perfect i have no choice
6. i have a low self-esteem and well...
7. i hate everything

i didn't cover it all but i got close god i'm pissed right now


sometimes i just sit down and cry for no reason cause what else is there to do when you're this unhappy
I've been in hospitals if that's what youre thinking i've also seen 7 different shrinks and i'm still this messed up so whatever

YEAH I"M SO GODDAMN PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(sorry to be rude I'm upset right now)

2nd January 2006

(no subject)

Yuki & Mason
I WANT A GirlFriend SO BADLY...
the girl i like doesn't like me back... It hurts...
Sami one of the girls who betrayed me and made me a cutter by said betrayal used to like me and we did some stuff together it was truth or dare but some how i knew she liked me and now that i think of it it makes the betrayal worse knowing that she liked me when she broke me with zahra its so dumb! shes in the pic that my icon came from its her arm around my neck....

AND now i'm crying

JUST BREAK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(no subject)

Yuki & Mason
I've always thought i was bisexual but well i'm not too into guys kissing me then i am to them kissing other guys, but well i'm starting to think that girls are hot and that boys are well not....


29th December 2005

there's this overwhelming feeling of nothingness returning the last time i felt it was when my 2 bffs both lost their connection with me they still acted like my friends but i knew they were not, it was like a fog, like walking in a dream, and it hurts cause i hardly remember it any way

i remember waking up and telling them off and they just looked at me like what's wrong with you you know what i mean

they deserted me their best friend and im the crazy person i was so alone and hurt that i started cutting just to make my self believe i was still worth something i hate them so much and they dont even no they made me start it and it hurts it just hurts so bad

so much so that i still sometimes cry about it
then again im just pathetic so who really cares...

26th November 2005

old outcasted poetry

Yuki & Mason
All Alone

Calling out to no one
Cause no one can see me
In my time of need and pain
Breaking apart
From the one that started it all
But leaving the note of salvation
To save a soul that’s left behind
In a word of endless
Timeless rhyme.

All Lies

There’s no such thing
They’re all lies
That could never happen
Outside of a tale
No one would ever give themselves up
To save another, they loved
No one would risk it
Or even think about it

They tell us we can be anything
It’s a lie
I can’t be what I want
Because if I could…
I wouldn’t be alone
I’d be with you

They leave
Without a goodbye
No one in a fairy tale
Ever did that
They tell us lies
An then expect us to survive
In this cruel world
A world missing love
And inhabitants of those lies
A world without true love
Or a prince to save you

A world with only wicked stepmothers
A world missing those lies
Which they taught us so well
Its only the truth
No more lies
Time for reality
And They Never Lived Happily Ever After…


At night when I sleep
I sometimes weep
I awake and my pillows wet
But its not sweat
Its tears of pain
That fall down like rain

And bring back a thought
That I hoped would rot
Rot away after these years
Full of tears

Doubt of forgetting
Getting lost in this netting
Which has me entwined
In my very own mind

Left to be struggle to be free
The tide ebbing me out to sea
To get lost once more
To get farther for shore

From the safety I never knew
From the things I never do
Like forgetting about you.

Evil Waiting

Evil scattered everywhere
Hidden in the under brush
Waiting for a time to spring
And kill us all
From the inside out
First, kill our hopes and dreams
Then make us come apart at the seams
While evil walks among us
Inside some of us
Slithering through veins
Slinking threw minds
Entangled in another’s soul
Hiding and waiting for the right time
To destroy us all.

Frozen Heart

Were the nights always this cold?
Did they always freeze me inside, out?
Did they always make me shiver?
Like they do now
Did they always freeze my heart first?

The shivers return but were they here before?
Were they waiting for the right moment to reappear?
Or are they new to me, just leaving someone else?
To go tot the coldest person now,
The person whose heart is frozen solid?
Like mine is, but not for the first time,
This time I know the chills are for me,
But they are because of you.

Frozen Hell

The hate is here
In all its splendor
Frozen in its evil wrath
Pining and desiring chaos
The lifer and love is sucked dry
By the frozen hell

The mistakes of people
Destroy us all, in frozen hell
Frozen hate, in frozen death
The lost love, the lost life
Dispersed among the hell
Flying around mocking us
Teasing us, laughing at us
Telling us what we lost
Telling us what we miss
And what we should have
But no the frozen hell
Swallows us all.


Guilt hurts the soul but never subsides
it makes people act as though they were told
And yet as days pass its still there
Consuming the hate of what you have done
To make you feel the way you do
And makes the guilt even worse
When you try to hide it,
Guilt is just like that.

Sympathy and compassion

I'm all void of compassion or so you like to say
I’m all out of compassion in every single way
Don’t f*** with me why can’t u see
I’m all out of sympathy
So tired of being the last to know
So tired of being let go
So I don’t let anyone in and keep you all out
It’s easier then living with this doubt
Who I am you'll never see
I’m lost in my own impossibilities
Don’t f*** with me
It’s plain to see
I'm all out of sympathy
For people like you and me

Thursday, June 23, 2005
Doomed Dreams

Dreaming it doesn't make it true
Just another thing on the list to do
Its all the same
Because dreams crash & burn
Dreams don't come true
No matter what you do
So why even think about what could be
Cause in the end you'll see
It's all a fantasy...

Monday, June 20, 2005
All The Same

If it really mattered, you'd know
But then again, my feelings never show
Because they're never obvious
I'm the best liar you'll ever meet
A lie i tell can't be discovered
Because its all the same
Lies, The Truth
All they do is end in pain
I'll never be the same
But anyway, Why does it matter,
Its all the same to me
Cause i've lost all sanity
With you around me..

Friday, June 17, 2005
You can't hear it...

Its 2 am and here i sit pretending
i dont know what you'll do
once you get back
you'll lay me out flat
whether i say yes or no
you'll have a good go
leave me crying
then accuse me of lieing
tell me i wasn't home tonight
i was out
you know i was
even if it isn't true
you telll me not to lie to you
so i just say your right
unless i want another fight
i better agree with you
its not hard to understand what you want
cause all of yours have become mine
my thoughts begin to dwindle
as you force me into bed
telling me if i dont
tomorrow i'll be dead
i'll whisper my prays
And end amen
you never realizing
i asked god to strike you dead

Whispered Warnings

Hushed Undertones
Breathless Pants
Silent Cries of Terror
Fearing for her Life.

There he was
Then and there
She shuddered
The fear filled her
She went anyway
Stupid girl the wind whispered.

Next thing she knew
She was on the floor
Of somewhere
Not knowing where she was
Lost and confused
She remembered nothing
Except his grin
That glared meaningfully
It frightened her.

She saw swirled memories
Of the events but no more
Somehow she knew
What had happened

She had passed out
On his lap
He said he’d take her home
But it wasn’t her home
Where she found herself.

She couldn’t remember
But she knew
He had prayed on her
She was another victim
She would never be
The Same…

The Pain of Love?

Pain of Pains
Hurt of Hurts
Destroyed to the Point…
Of Extinction

To be Pained by the Memory
A Memory of Love
Of All You Ever Wanted
And What You Once Had

It Will Kill You Inside
And Rot You so Deep
You Can Never Love Again
To Never be With Them
Only to Know They Once Loved You
Is Like a Fate,

A Fate Much Worse Then Death
I Would Die a Thousand Deaths
Just to Be With You Again!


I lost my faith
When you disappeared
I lost my soul
When you said those words
I lost my heart to you

But you just raced right threw
Leaving me to fend for myself
Placing me like another trophy
On your shelf

You didn’t care
You wanted me
That’s all

You said you loved me
What a load of shit
You wanted me to fall
Head over heals in love
And it worked

I let you in
I let you find out about me
I let me be yours
Then you just left

Oh why did I care so much
I hate the way you loved me
I hate the way I felt about you
I hate the way I lost myself in you
I thought you were different

I fell for your act
And I can’t take it back
Because you stole my heart
And won't give it back
You tricked me into loving you
But I don’t want to love you


I cry till my face is sticky with tears
Until my tears reach my pillow
And soak it through
Until I finally don’t hate you anymore
Till I finally hate…Someone Else

Wish I Hadn’t

I cry these tears for you
Or maybe it’s for me
I can’t see why I cry
You left and I wept
But why did I?
I thought I loved you
But maybe I didn’t
I thought you loved me
But maybe you couldn’t
Maybe you used me
Or never felt anything

But I wish I hadn’t
I wish I hadn’t loved you
Or done anything for you
Or known you at all
I thought you were mine
But now I know you
I know you don’t love me
Or care about me
Because you never did.


I can’t breathe; I can’t think
My mind’s racing; It can’t stay on any thought
My Heart’s pounding out of my chest
Standing in still silence, staring out at you
I lost my breath; I lost my thoughts
Breathing seemed impossible
Until you came over, then it was impossible
You left me breathless

Do I Still Matter?

Am I still important to you?
Do I still matter?
Do your thoughts still dwell on me?
Can you still want me?
Or will you not let yourself?

Cause your still on my mind
Almost every waking moment
Ever since, we said goodbye
Not a single moment goes by
Without you crossing my mind
At least a dozen times

So what do you say?
Do I still matter?
Do we still fit together?
Are we still us?

Because I…

I cry because I can’t not
I run because I can’t stay
I hide because I can’t see
I hate because I can’t love

I don’t’ want to smile
I don’t want to laugh
I hate being sorrowful
I hate anyone who can survive
I hate that I care no one cares

I hate whenever I see them
Them as in the happy ones
Because I am a sad one
A sad one, the only one
A sad one as in me

The only lonely sad despiser
The only sad me

Pray for What?

Pray to the mountains
Or pray for your soul
There is no goal
To the prayers of life
Merely to enrich oneself
With a belief in something…
Unreal and Fake

The Third Person

There’s you and me but one more
You can’t see him but he’s here
He’s somewhere deep inside of me
And whispers all day long
But when I sleep he’s awake
Doing something wrong.

Fearsome Love

Fearing rejection
From the one you love
Refusing to be told off
Praying to be accepted
By the person you care
For more then life, it’s self
If you were rejected
Do you know what you would do?
Most would die a bit inside
And never stop to rest
Have a need to be saved
And wish for life itself to end
Cause their fearsome love
Is long gone
And the one they love
To them is dead.

Whether or Not…

I'm so fake again but I always am
In the end I hate this again
There’s no one to befriend
Cause no one understands
I'm crushed by these demands
Whys it matter how it started
Or how it ends
Cause I'm dead anyway
Whether or not I still breathe
I'm dead
Whether OR not I bleed
I'm still dead
Whether or not I smile
I'm fake
Whether or not I'm sad
I'm smiling
No one understands
How I hate all this
And how it finally ends
God it’s so hard to lie
To Ur friends
But then again
What else can I do?
I lie to everyone
Probably even you


I hate myself and everyone else
I hope it all ends
Cause I hate all my friends
And I wish I was alone
To finally forget the endless drone
Inside my head
God sometimes I wish I was dead
Then again
Whys it matter to begin with
Cause soon ill be dead
I'm so tired of these thoughts in my head
That never leave me
But go on instead

So here we say...

So heres where we say goodbye
and heres where we go to cry
and heres where i go to get high
and heres where she told that lie
heres where he broke my heart
heres where i got a new start
and heres the last place i ever cried
cause heres the place i laid down to die
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